ALABAMA BRACES FOR HOOPTIE CARAVAN
Administration renews calls to build “big, beautiful pit wall” as bedraggled crapcan parade relentlessly shambles toward season opener.
Leeds AL–The Hooptie Caravan–a motley column of hella-jank cars and butt-turrible drivers being pushed and towed north toward the border–is projected to reach Lemons Barber in time for the series’ Feb 2-3 season opener, further inflaming the contentious divide between nationalist NASCAR nativists and radical road-racing refu-Geos. This morning Brian France, the newly appointed director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s Center for Automotive Policy and Defensive Engagement (ICE-CAPADES) asserted without evidence that “…this ragtag scrum of illegal immigrant vehicles is registering ahead of the December 8th deadline solely to steal valuable grid spots from clean-cut American race teams.”
The Hooptie Caravan (which confusingly also contains hooptie Caravans) has become a “vehicular-prejudice Rorshach test,” opines Lemons Political Kommissar Diego ‘Chicken’ Gunya. “On Fox-Bodies and Friends viewers see Bill O. O. O’Reilly ominously predict ‘crushing shortages at Pick ‘N’ Pulls and Waffle Houses should this grease-slathered, artery-hardened army be allowed in the US of A.’ Meanwhile, over on NPR Sylvia Peugeotli is deriding ‘the United States’ shameful history of capitalist C-class warfare.'” According to Mr. Gunya, both groups’ irreconcilable views have become “…narrower than a 20-buck Lemons exhaust system.”
Lemons organizers plan to dispatch their usual phalanx of macular-degenerated corner workers, shigella-carrying food trucks, and shingles-infected BS judges to Barber in an attempt to maintain normalcy, but a new tweet from @RealHammeredBrianFrance did little to lower tensions: “Heap-train all hoons and Black Flaggers! Not like highly trained IMSA drivers! Bringing illegal Tsurus and Zastavas, and sending us vicious criminal pit speeders and early-apexers. And some, I assume, are good people.”
Both camps are urging their followers to enter the Barber ’19 season-opener before the December 8th deadline, lest all the really good blown-up transmissions, undeserved pass-under-yellow penalties, and car-journo cornholings get snatched by their rivals.