Long-Distance

Zero Shrimp

Rallies

Moscow, PA || Buffalo || Memphis || Paris, TN

Hell on Wheels: Retreat from Moscow Rally

January 31 – February 3, 2017
Monterey || Bremerton || Bend || Monterey

Hell on Wheels: Monterey Car WEEEEEAK Rally

August 15 – August 19, 2017

The Deets

Vehicle

Anything street-legal, insured and offensive to Gullwing guys.

Entry Fee

$425/car. Get your own room, buy your own food, wipe your own nose.

Rally Rules

It’s mostly just “don’t be a tool,” but see them all here.

A TASTE OF THE SCORING

Performance

+60 Finishing the day
+10-150 Optional checkpoints and challenges en route
+0-150 Creative roadside repairs
+/- 0-150 Tickets and arrests (how good’s your story?)

Who made your hooptie

-50 For Japanese
-20 For German, but…
+50 For German diesel
+100 For Italian
+125 For French
+150 For English
+250 For Warsaw Pact

When did they make it

+75 For 1980s
+100 For 1970s
+170 For 1960s
+200 For 1950s
+250 For pre-1950

HOW BUTT-TURRIBLE IS IT?

+60 Finishing the day
+10-150 Optional checkpoints and challenges en route
+0-150 Creative roadside repairs
+/- 0-150 Tickets and arrests (how good’s your story?)

DEDUCTION & ADDITIONS

-2500 For showing up in a press loaner
-250 For wearing Pilotis
+300 For bringing a Beetle-pan kit car
+50 For Designer Edition (Bill Blass, Givenchy, Levi’s, etc)
+300 For using phrase “double apex”

+70 For best YouTube post of the day
-0-900 For being a general douchenozzle
-0-900 For junkyard parts gained en route
-0-900 For ridiculous themes &/or outfits

Rally Rules

General

1.1: DON’T BE A DOUCHE That’s what expensive rallies are for.

1.2: OBEY THE LAW This isn’t a race. Obey all traffic and other laws.

1.3: REFUNDS Full refunds 60 or more days before the event. After that you get merciless heckling only–no refunds or fee transfers.

1.4: ORGANIZER AUTHORITY Lemons has complete authority to give or remove points; to change routes or schedules; and/or to kick your ass out.

  • 1.4.a: ACCIDENTS AND/OR MOVING VIOLATIONS …are two great ways to get your ass kicked out.

1.5: ROUTES The Route Book lists daily starts, finishes, and checkpoints. It’s your job to pick which roads get you there.

1.6: YOU’RE LIABLE What you’re doing here can be dangerous. You’ve made the decision to do it anyway, and you understand and accept that you’re responsible for what happens as a result.

Eligibility

2.1: VEHICLE ELIGIBILITY Open to anything street-legal and road-insured (be ready to show proof).

2.2: PARTICIPANT ELIGIBILITY A full, valid, and current street license is required for drivers (be ready to show proof). If you can’t show a full, valid, and current street license, you’re welcome to ride but not drive (crew). Anyone under 18 must present this minor waiver signed by a legal guardian

Safety

3.1: DO WHAT WE SAY, DAMMIT Lemons can demand any change to routes, schedules, vehicles, teams, etc. This is not a debate—either do it, or go home.

3.2: ROADWORTHINESS Teams are responsible for ensuring their vehicles are roadworthy and free from dangerous defects at all times. Lemons does not perform an inspection of rally vehicles and makes no assurances or guarantees regarding any vehicle’s condition, safety, or fitness.

3.3: EMERGENCY SUPPLIES Every vehicle should carry a decent first-aid kit and 48 hours’ supply of food and water for everyone in it.

3.4: OTHER SUPPLIES Bring spare parts. Bring a good toolbox. Bring a spare phone battery. Bring whatever nav aids you like. Bring warm clothes. Bring flares. Bring a cellphone or tablet for posting your checkpoints. Bring a good attitude. Bring extra coffee. A lot of teams bring CB radios. Bring your arse to the Lemons Rally tab in the Forum for more recommendations.

Scoring

4.1: STARTING POINTS Extra starting points are (capriciously) awarded by (wholly unqualified) judges for vehicle awfulness, team hopelessness, general hilarity, etc.

4.2: CHECKPOINT POINTS Each day has scenic, historic, and/or weird-ass checkpoints with various point values. You probably can’t hit ‘em all, so just pick the routes that appeal. To be scored, take a pic of your car (or mascot) in front of the checkpoint and post it online as described in the Route Book.

  • 4.2.a: CHECKPOINT POINTS FOR THE DIGITALLY ILLITERATE Look– we aren’t sending guys to man checkpoints/get eaten by bears just so you don’t have to learn Facebook. Find a 12-year-old kid with an iPhone or just read our Checkpoint Posting for Grampas guide.
  • 4.2.b: MASCOTS Since it’s hard to get a pic of your car at some checkpoints, teams also carry their own hand-held mascot. Pics of either get you credit for the checkpoint, but car pics are eligible for way more bonus points—so take car pics when you can.

4.3: AWESOMENESS POINTS Additional points at the organizers’ discretion for excellent photos/videos/web posts you share with us; for super-mensch behavior; for heroic repairs; for adventures above and beyond; and for anything else we deem atypically awesome.

Highlights from This Year’s Rallies